if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
