Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
