im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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