I want to walk on stilts...naked
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
