so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
