sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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