Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
