when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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