mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
