Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
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Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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