i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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