If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
