he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
