I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
