If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
