I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
