someone threw a dead crab at me
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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