I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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