Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
