I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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