My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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