I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
