i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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