i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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