I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
