U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
