Your dad touched me again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
