An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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