i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she peed on how many people?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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