I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
