Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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