It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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