If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
