So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
