omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
