There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
