I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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