I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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