DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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