There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
