Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
so much tequila, so little girl.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
