In America we eat man semen.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
