Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
God I need to hump something, right now.
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