If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
