My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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