walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
