gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
