I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
