Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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