Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
