Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
