Can Purell be used as lube?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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