Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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