If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
