Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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