Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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