you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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