Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
