did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
